Dog is God Backwards
Reflecting on the best friend I've ever had
Ballon Dog (blue) by Jeff Koons 1x on cloud background
The best friend I ever had passed away on January 31st. 15 years together, 9 apartments/houses, 7 different people we shared a place with at various points but always, at the end of the day, Wolfgang and I.
When I got Wolfgang it was a whirlwind. I’d wanted a dog for as long as I can remember but I was refused said dog because my older siblings would ask for dogs then the responsibility of caring for the dog would fall on my parents. My parents did admit they should’ve let me get a dog once they saw me with Wolfgang – a vindication I carry close to my heart.
By the time I got Wolf I was away for college and I couldn’t wait any longer. I was bonding with all my friends dogs, strangers dogs were coming up to me on the street. The universe was like “you need this! And one might need you!”
In modern day fashion, I went online and started searching. I knew the dog would be named Wolfgang and I told myself that I would know him when I saw him. And sure enough, the most adorable, scraggily dog caught my eye. His name was Benji but I thought that could be Wolfgang. In my memory the time between seeing him online and going to visit him IRL was less than a day.
Walking up to the crate where he was kept, he perked up and the tail was waggggggin. I felt an unbelievable joy that this pup I didn’t even know yet was just as excited to see me. The shelter attendant let him out and gave us time in the yard to see if it was an actual fit. In the yard that day, it was more than a fit, it was a perfect match. We played, I pet, he buried his face in my lap and it was like we’d know each other across many lifetimes. I even started calling him Wolfgang there and he loved it. He was a gentle and playful soul.
I took him home that day. The attendant told me it must’ve been meant to be because he was a “Diamond in the rough” deal – meaning that in just a week or two he would be euthanized because he was an older pup they didn’t expect to get adopted.
The day I took Wolfgang home would be the first day of the rest of my life. In Wolfgang, I’d found a true friend, a confidant, a protector and something to protect, care for, and love.
And although I didn’t know at the time, Wolfgang would be the creature to reconnect me to myself and to God.
I’m not sure when I went full circle back to an outward acknowledgment of something greater than myself. What I do know is that one random ass day, I found myself standing in the shower praying again. The prayer was unlike the type of prayers I was raised on — it was more conversational than a plea for forgiveness or salvation. It felt like a catch-up and letting the universe know that I was open to reconnect. And we’ve been reconnecting ever since. Proof that some relationships come back better than where you left them.
Wolfgang guided me back to this place because in caring for him I began to evaluate the care I give and receive - past, present and future - and within that care I realized how much of life is out of my control. And in turn, what I’m able to control and instead of being beaten down by that, Wolfgang showed me through the way he lived the benefit of being wholly dedicated to only the things you have power over.
The God I found myself reacquainted with was dissimilar from the God I learned about in my younger years. The God I was first taught about was punitive, jealous and only accessible to an exclusive group. This God lives within me and in every living thing. It informs how I relate to the world and supports me as I toil away in my corner of the universe. This God reminds me that there is no external validation that will fill the lack I feel within myself from time to time. It encourages my motivation to pursue my highest purpose without the typical shit that once held me back. This God honors my complexity and takes my isolation in stride. A God of signs and giving back what I put in.
And it was in the moment where I felt Wolf’s very last breath.
My eyes were closed tight, crying and a flash of bright white light filled my closed eyelids and skull. I felt a shock through my spine and my once stinky dog no longer had a scent. And as I slowly began to open my eyes, the vet whispered “he’s passed.” But I already knew.
Then the next stages of grief began. The grief I feel for Wolfgang is unlike anything I’ve experienced. The void, the readjustment to life after spending 15 years with a buddy I loved so so much, and surprisingly, the motivation. All the wisdom I’d been gaining through life and intentional self-exploration seemed to solidify. As these crystallized, I suddenly registered that Wolfgang had been showing me what it looked like to live it every day. He had also shown me through his endless love that I was able to do it.
There’s obviously countless things I loved and continue to love about Wolf. But because we all love a list… Here’s 3 things I love that I promise to carry with me as I move through the world without him.
He always knew exactly what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it.
Truly, he had distinct barks that all had distinct goals. Whether it was to contribute to the conversation, to go out for a walk or to warn me that something bad was coming my way. Wolf trusted that I knew what he was saying and I can say that I did. It’s wild because I can’t remember the days I was deciphering what he meant, I only remember knowing. Then of course, he had tippy taps to demand food, whines to make sure I didn’t forget what he needed, and he lived to get the last word in when I’d tell him his barking was unfounded. And don’t get me started on the looks – Wolfgang had human eyes and if looks could kill, many would’ve been good as gone because of that dog.
He was kind but never dishonest.
Wolfgang was known for being a social guy. He loved pets and people but what many never saw was how discerning he was. He was the barometer for people I was interested in dating. If Wolfgang liked, like REALLY liked someone he was comfortable enough to leave me alone in the room with them. When Wolfgang met my now spouse, he was the most optimistic I’d ever seen him with anyone I’d brought around. And he trusted them fully. Wolf also was known to shift his perspective on people. We won’t get too deep on that today but know that a former friend had watched him many times. Yet the last time they watched him, I came back and Wolfgang’s affection toward them had shifted and he was more protected.
He knew how to make people feel loved and seen without sacrificing himself.
Truth be told, a lot of dogs (and cats, ofc) do this. And we really take it for granted. They are constantly like “I got you”, in tough, heavy moments but remind you … “hey, I still need food, a pet, a walk.” When the situation no longer serves them they change it. Classic example, ever try cuddling with a dog and you’re being too much and they grunt and move far away from you? They are their top priority and that helps them prioritize all the other bullshit.
George Sand said that the greatest happiness is to love and be loved, and from what I can tell she was definitely talking about her dog, Marquis. Marquis who even inspired her lover Chopin to write a few ditties.
Dog is God backwards.
